officialunitedstates:

tinyvampire:

officialunitedstates:

I like ordering the most expensive thing on the menu but refusing to eat it.  It’s okay, though, because it’s a metaphor.  The metaphor is I’m incredibly wasteful and extremely wealthy.

OMFG HE’S DYING OF CANCER LET HIM DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS WITH HIS DAMN CIGARETTES

what are you talking about.  im trying to brag about how ridiculously rich i am

nosdrinker:

you make it to the final round on who wants to be a millionaire and the $1,000,000 question is

ok do u finger urself

In the delivery room

tokomon:

mother: is it a boy or a girl?

doctor: *puts baby between teeth* it’s a metaphor

meladoodle:

prosecutorblackquill:

what if u woke up and ur fav fictional character was snuggled next to u and they were like “good morning”

nemo.. you cant be here.. your dad will be worried sick

sexioto:

that boy you just called gay? well he is gay. he’s your boyfriend. both of you are gay. how do you keep forgetting this, jeffery

clestroying:

regirocked:

clestroying:

can someone please photo shop this

you’re welcome

thankyou

vidarianvivisepulture:

vidarianvivisepulture:

vidarianvivisepulture:

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

image

aduhm:

have you ever wanted to see a car crash so badly

do